


sleep on the ground, dream in the clouds

by crimsun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Absent Parents, Bittersweet, Bullying, Character Death, Cloud Watching, Clouds, High School, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Middle School, Minor Character Death, Oops?, Sad Ending, The Author Regrets Everything, happy renjun day!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:20:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23265343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsun/pseuds/crimsun
Summary: Sometimes, when he was younger, Renjun thought that if he reached his hand out just far enough, he could touch the clouds.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53





	sleep on the ground, dream in the clouds

**Author's Note:**

> happy renjun day!!! this is for him and for rensung nation ❤
> 
> also thank you hui, my soulmate, for being the best beta ever, without you this literally would've never seen the light of day ❤ ily

Sometimes, when he was younger, Renjun thought that if he reached his hand out just far enough, he could touch the clouds. It was ridiculous, but something about the pillowy softness, the cotton-like consistency, made him feel like he could simply pinch them between his fingers, play with them like he did with the ends of his mother's Q-Tips while she washed her face. 

It took him some time and several science classes to realize that he would never really be able to touch a cloud, at least not as long as he remained with his feet firmly planted on this Earth. However, he never let go of the habit of gazing into the firmament and reaching his hands out as far as he could.

That's how he spent most of his breaks, reaching for the unreachable while the rest of the boys played, blazer tucked under his head as the sun beat down on his face. It was peaceful, a blanket of tranquility that settled over him even as the other boys in the patio screamed and talked over each other as they fought over the tattered, school-issued soccer ball. He never had any company, which was all the better for him – the other boys liked to look at him weird and call him names his mom refused to explain – until one day, the sun was covered by a curious looking face. 

"You're like me," said the boy. He had a wide nose and cute, small eyes. He didn't look at all like Renjun, he might've even been a few years younger, but he was right, anyway: they were the same.

Renjun stared at him. "Yes."

Immediately, the boy took off his blazer, placing it down next to Renjun's head. He laid down on top of it, stretching his long limbs. He was almost taller than Renjun was. Without saying another word, he reached his arms out to the sky and closed his eyes.

"Am I doing it okay?" he asked, not bothering to open his eyes.

"What?"

"I've seen you do this," he continued. If he heard the harshness hidden in Renjun's question, he didn't bother showing it. "Reach out, I mean. Like you can touch the clouds. I want to do it, too. Have you ever touched one?"

Renjun scoffed, turning to look at the sky again, but suddenly the sun was too bright and he couldn't really open his eyes. "You can't actually touch them, you know?"

"You look like you can, though." 

_I can’t_ , Renjun wanted to say, _even though I wish I could._

"Maybe you should try it," is what he said instead. "You could have better luck than me."

Oh, Renjun had no idea. Neither did Jisung.

Cloud gazing under the blazing noon sun – quietly, at first, until Jisung could no longer keep to himself, always brimming with energy and more than willing to share (or, rather, _over_ share) any and every thought that crossed his mind – quickly led to Renjun walking home with Jisung. He would make lunch, because poor Jisung barely knew how to put two slices of bread inside the toaster, and Renjun was worried he would become malnourished (it's not that Renjun was an amazing cook anyway, but he could at least man the rice cooker).They would sit in front of the TV without really _watching_ it. Instead, they would turn the sound off, make their own stories, build their own worlds and universes. Jisung always made cute voices for each character and, although Renjun never admitted it, he would revel in the fact that he was the only one that would ever hear them, just like he cherished the fact that he was the only one of Jisung’s friends that had ever met his mother. 

"Do you ever get mad at her?" he asked tenderly, afraid to break the silence, one day as they were sitting in front of her grave. 

Jisung vehemently shook his head, but stayed quiet for a long, long time before he answered. "No," he said just as softly, mirroring Renjun’s tenderness. "I know she didn't mean it, she just wasn't thinking straight." 

"But she left you alone," Renjun blurted before he could even think about what he was about to say. He didn't mean to sound rude, or prying, but it was something he couldn't quite get his mind off.

However, Jisung took his eyes away from the tombstone for a second, long enough to send him a fleeting smile, and Renjun knew it was okay. They were the same brand of curious anyway.

"Yeah, I guess, but she didn't mean to. I know she didn't do it on purpose, she loved me." Jisung seemed so completely confident in his answer, voice and eyes not wavering for a second, that if Renjun had been more innocent he might have wondered if he had gone to the afterlife himself just to ask her.

_He's strong_ , he thought, although he had known that from the moment he approached him on the school’s patio. _Good for him._

Before Renjun could say anything else, Jisung was on his feet, holding a hand out to him as he flashed him a brilliant smile, and even if the corners of his eyes looked a little somber, all traces of his previous melancholy were gone. "Let's go back inside, yeah? I think it's time for my mom to rest."

Most afternoons they sat on Jisung's back porch, where the breeze would hit them hardest, and talk for hours: about anything and everything that would cross their minds, ranging from their absurdly long and boring science homework to what Renjun's mom had cooked on Thursday night when she managed to come home early after she was done with her shift at the hospital. But, mostly, they talked about space. It was comforting, in a way, to think they weren't the only ones out there, sharing small bouts of laughter and misery in their little bubble called Earth while there were many lonelier planets left to experience their own share of life. More importantly, it brought them _joy_ and previously dull afternoons were filled by laughter and smiles and light pushing and playing around. Sometimes they would lie down on Jisung’s bed with their shoulders pressed together looking at the fake, puke-green, supposedly fluorescent lights plastered on his ceiling and just breathe together. It was childish, Renjun refused to let shame get in the way of the one good thing that he had in his life outside of nights spent with his mom whispering over cold noodles as they watched whatever movie he chose to put on their old, beat up DVD player.

It was familiar, safe, and if Renjun had been any older he would've known it couldn't have lasted. Life didn't gift happiness so easily.

One late afternoon, as the sun chased the purpling clouds off the horizon and the first stars started twinkling into existence, Jisung nudged Renjun's leg with his foot. Renjun shook his head, snapping out of his strange, thoughtless stupor, and hummed in acknowledgement.

Jisung had been acting strange that day. Renjun couldn’t exactly place it, but he had been more shy and timid than usual, even with Renjun. Usually, he had a curious openness that Renjun liked to think only he got to witness, but that day it seemed like it had completely vanished. 

For some time after, Renjun liked to think that maybe if he had said something earlier, been more pushy – however, about what, he didn't know – he could’ve somehow prevented it. But how could he? Even Jisung seemed to know what was coming.

“Let’s go eat ice cream,” he said, wide eyes blinking at Renjun with misty hesitance.

“It’s almost 6 p.m.,” Renjun answered, but he was already shaking leaves out of his hair as he sat up. He had been desperate to placate Jisung, to bring his mood back to how it usually was, and if the sweet treat could do the trick then so be it. “Mint choco?”

“Yeah.”

It was a quick affair. The walk from Jisung’s house to the convenience store was quite short, especially with how fast Jisung was walking. He seemed uplifted, which Renjun was endlessly thankful for, even though he insisted on holding his hand. It wasn’t uncommon for Jisung to seek skinship _—_ he liked to drape himself across Renjun's lap sometimes, asking for him to run his fingers through his hair _—_ it was just weird for him to seek it so openly, or hold hands at all.

Renjun, in his effort to keep Jisung's mood up, paid with the last bit left of his allowance and in no time Jisung was pulling him towards the park. Once there, they decided to sit on the swing set, bouncing slightly on the seats as they looked up towards the stars.

Jisung was in the middle of saying something Renjun was only half paying attention to (the way his eyes sparkled as he talked and his hands moved excitedly, much to the danger of his ice cream, were far more entrancing) when Renjun noticed he had a little bit of ice cream on his upper lip. Without wasting a second, Renjun reached over to wipe it. Jisung froze. Suddenly, the silence in the darkening park became somewhat eerie. Renjun could feel it pressing in on his ears.

"What?" he whispered when Jisung failed to resume his chattering. His face had acquired a weird look, not quite like the spazzed out distraction he had earlier _—_ it was softer, with a tender undertone that made Renjun squirm in his seat. 

"Thank you, hyung," he said, so sincerely that he doubted it was for wiping his lips, or even buying him ice cream. 

Renjun's hand was still ghosting over Jisung's cheek. "For what?"

"For everything," he said, swallowing hard. "For not turning me away that day when you were cloud gazing. And for being my friend ever since."

Renjun, finally, let his hand rest on Jisung's cheek. He caressed the soft skin under his eyes. "There's nothing to thank me for, Jisung. Like you said, we're the same, how could I turn you away? Besides, I might've grown the tiniest bit… fond–" he made a gagging noise– "of you. But you still need to see if you can touch the clouds. I still think you have a better chance than I do."

Jisung giggled, but it was a low, dulled sound. Renjun despaired as he could feel the mood from earlier creep back over him. "I can't believe that happened almost two years ago… So many things have changed."

"But not the important ones," Renjun smiled. He took a deep breath, bracing himself to ask, "Are you okay?"

Jisung looked slightly startled at the question. It took him a second too long to answer. "Yeah, why?"

Immediately, Renjun regretted asking. "I don't know, you've been in some kind of… mood," he said tentatively. He knew it wasn't very placating, but if he had already dug the hole he might as well just dive into it.

Jisung shook his head quickly, but Renjun could see the uneasiness behind his eyes. There was something he wasn't telling him. 

This was new territory. Jisung usually told him everything, and the things he didn't, Renjun usually got out (whether purposefully or by accident) with as little prying as a look, or a question like he had asked right now. But he didn't want to push. He wanted Jisung to feel like he could trust Renjun with anything like he had so far, and, frankly, it hurt him a little. But he didn't want to seem invasive to Jisung, so instead he nodded.

"Okay," he said. "Finish your ice cream then."

They stayed in silence until they finished, licking at their fingers long after their ice creams were finished. 

"Come on," Renjun said, dusting his pants off as he stood from the swings. "I'll walk you home."

Jisung stood up, coming up next to Renjun. "No!" he said, maybe a little too quickly. "I mean, it's fine, it's a longer walk to your house and it's getting late, I wouldn't want you to… yeah."

Renjun frowned. It was true, but he still didn't want Jisung to come home to an empty house and no dinner. Still, instead of pushing he stuck to his original plan. Maybe Jisung just wanted some privacy, to think without Renjun breathing down his back.

Renjun reached out and took Jisung's hands. They had done it once that day, it wouldn't hurt to do it again. Maybe Renjun had liked the feeling, anyway. He squeezed Jisung's hands. "Be careful on the trip back, okay? And…" he hesitated for a moment, but plunged on, "you know you can tell me everything, right?"

Jisung looked a little taken aback, and for a moment he looked at Renjun without really looking at him, like he was a simple shape he was trying to decipher while they sat on the ground staring at the clouds. 

"Yeah, I know," he said finally. There was something indecipherable in his face as he leaned in to kiss Renjun's cheek.

Before Renjun could say anything else, Jisung squeezed his hands one last time. "See you tomorrow, hyung." 

Dizzy, Renjun just nodded as Jisung walked away. He wanted to say something else, to ask Jisung to let him walk him home one last time, but he figured there would be time for that later.

Only there wasn't. The next time Renjun saw Jisung, his eyes were turned toward him, but they weren't really seeing him. It wasn't like that night at the park, or when Jisung got a little too lost looking at the sky. This time his eyes were dead and cold, staring straight through Renjun's head and into a nothingness Renjun wouldn't know until many, many years later. Because that night when he went home, Jisung went to sleep and never woke up again. Or at least that's what his mom said.

Yet as he closed Jisung's casket, and all those years after, even as he cuddled close to Donghyuk on their bed, sharing secrets and their smallest, most repressed memories and regrets, all that flashed in his mind were the things he held back and waited out that night. How he should've said more, at least walked him home. And how Jisung did touch the clouds, just like he had predicted, way easier than Renjun ever could.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my [twitter](http://twitter.com/chneji) and my [cc](http://curiouscat.me/honeytips), thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed!


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